Oh boy. This guy, Jeremy Lin, he’s the one. He’s what everyone’s been waiting for. Now, I don’t really like basketball. There’s lots of sweat involved and, well, that’s pretty much a deal breaker for me. However, Jeremy Lin is really good at basketball. He scores points, makes rebounds, wears the sweatpants, all the things good players are supposed to do. But that’s not why I like Jeremy Lin, or as I call him; “the best AsLin American ever.” (Witty)
You see, I’m Jewish. Jews don’t have that much going for us. All the other minorities, they have someone who they can turn to and be like: “Yes, that inspirational man/woman really represents everything our ethnicity stands for. Therefore, I can proudly say that he/she is one of my role models and I would eagerly consider purchasing a product of which he/she represents.”
The African-Americans, they have Barack Obama and Martin Luther King. The Native-Americans, they can look up to Geronimo or Chief Sitting Bull. The Mexicans, they can aspire to be like anyone who has a passion against large walls. Even the Evangelical Christians, they can always lean on God or homophobes. Yet, there have always been the two groups that are alone, role model-less. The Jews and the Asians.
The Asians had Tiger Woods, that one turned out well. Then, they got John Cho, Harold from Harold and Kumar, but he was embraced a bit more by the narcotics community, a large community at that. For them, it seemed hopeless. The Jews, we haven’t had too many. Sure, there’s been Steven Spielberg and Sacha Baron Cohen but they’ve been negated by something worse than three-hour Shabbat services. This guy.
That’s Adam Sandler. He’s just so so horrible. Oh man. Give me a moment here. Ok, he’s pretty atrocious, but let’s not get into it. Actually, you know what, let’s get into it. He needs to hear this.
Adam. Just stop man. There was a line, you crossed it. That was 1998. Then there was another line. What did you think this time? ”Oh, let’s just make another movie in which I’m a man-child. I’m sure that people will find it absolutely hilarious this time.” False. No one with an IQ above fifty found Happy Gilmore even remotely amusing. Adam Sandler, you’re like a drug. A really crappy drug. Unfortunately, you were created by a Jewish manufacturer, so you’re associated with us forever. I’d rather have a million Anthony Weiners than even one of you. Had you even stopped with Funny People, we would have been ok. But nope, you just had to make JACK AND JILL. JACK AND FUCKING JILL! OH MY GOD! Honestly, from the bottom of my weeping, empty soul, what was going through your brain? It couldn’t have been about the money, you had enough of that already. Did you actually think it was funny? Oh, please, please say that you aren’t that stupid. Let me put something in perspective for you. I found Big Momma’s House funny. That movie was godawful. If I found that hilarious but this movie less humorous than Schindler’s List, do you realize how little talent you have as an entertainer?
Alright. I’m done here. Basically, this post was going to be about how Jeremy Lin has become a motivational figure in the Asian-American community and how, as a Jew, I’m happy that one semi-ignored minority can find a role model. But Adam Goddamn Sandler had to show up. I’ve thrown up six times writing this post and spent a solid three hours gently sobbing in the fetal position. Fuck you Jeremy Lin. Do you see what you’ve done?