Despite the illusion of me being popular that I convey on this blog, no one actually thinks of me that way in real life. (Hey, that’s not true man. Only half of your friends hate you. One of them can still see your face without punching you. Never mind, that’s not true. Everyone hates you.) Therefore, if I am ever invited to a party or celebration of sorts, I nearly have an anxiety attack. (Nearly? More like you have three.) Even once I’m there and being ignored, I find parties fun. Sure, sometimes (Every time.) I’m the guy that sits in the corner mumbling to himself and doing his history homework, but other times I’m the guy standing in the corner nodding weirdly at girls (You wish. Those are guys. Really? Wow.) and laughing at my own jokes. (The second one was not better than the first. I pity you.) Because of my suaveness, I like to consider myself an expert at partying. So, if I could use that swag to help someone else, I would love to. Hey, we actually have some questions for you. Really? Ok. Let’s do it. (Do not listen to his answers. He is a liar and desperate for attention. You know that I can read everything that you write? Indeed.)
1. Hi. Sometimes when I’m at a party, I get the feeling that I have a food or beverage on my face, but I don’t know if I’m right. What do I do?
First off, are you homeless? If you said yes, find a shelter and a mental health psychiatrist. If you said no, find a friend and ask if you have anything on your face. If there is, find a sink or napkin and clean yourself off.
2. Hey there. So, I was at this party and the bouncer kicked me out. If I bribe him, do you think he’ll let me back in?
First off, how old are you and this sounds more like a nightclub than a party. Secondly, no, don’t bribe the bouncer. I tried to do that once and now I can’t feel my right foot. (He had a pole. That’s what she said. Real mature.) It’s unwise and if he/she (I support women’s rights.) kicked you out, you probably deserved it.
3. Sorry to have to ask you another question as I wrote number one, but what do I do if I have no friends to check my face? I actually have no friends. At all.
I had a feeling you would ask this. Just don’t go to parties. Stay home and watch TV or read a book. That’s what I do. Its not that depressing once you get used to it. (Don’t listen to him. He is not a licensed question answerer and he will mislead you. Hey, that’s mean. Actually, for once, you’re sort of right. Despite that, why do you have to be so cynical and mean? How about some positive reinforcement for once? Ok, I guess you’re right. Here goes. If it’s dark outside and I can’t see your face, you look relatively decent. Oh, that was so sweet. We should do this more often.)
Writer’s Note: My alter ego will now be in italics to clarify confusion between the speaker. For those of you that don’t know what italics are, the look like this.