Secret Handshakes


As I have often made clear (Too often) before, I possess a bro status.  Now, there are many ways for one to show the world that one has enough swag to be a bro.  A bro could walk down the hall screaming at the top of their lungs: “I’m a bro and I love it!,” while twirling a shirt around their head, but that is generally ineffective (He knows from experience.) and always humiliating.  No, us bros have found a new way to arrogantly display our ridiculous self-confidence and douche-baggery. (Yes, I just did that.  I invented a word.  Oh, what’s that I hear?  Jaws on the floor.)  I’ll speak to you from the heart, or as us swag monsters like to call it, that emotional bullshit place for wimps.  (I don’t actually call it that.  I’m very sensitive inside.)  High fives hurt my hand.  At the end of the day, I have to go home and ice my palms because they are raw from countless slaps that serve no purpose but to deepen my sense of popularity. (You really are quite insecure. Oh, you have no idea.  Wait, what?)  Therefore, I found it necessary to create a new method of greeting other bros in a manner that is not as painful, hence the secret handshake.  In order for a secret handshake to come to fruition, two bros must convene and discuss the optimal method for approaching and acknowledging one another while coming off as totally cool people but not as posers.  Such a process is exponentially harder than all of my classes combined.  At the moment, I have a handshake with one of my good friends, who for the sake of privacy, will be referred to as Jackson Alexander, a young man who obviously does not have red hair and beautiful glasses and should not be friended on Facebook.  Our handshake consists of two double high fives, two double fist pounds, two opposite arm fist pounds, two elbow bumps, ten steps in the opposite direction, an old-style Mexican duel, his helping me to my feet after a fatal bullet wound to the chest, another fist bump, a chest bump and a fist explosion.  It’s invigorating to say the least.  We will perform for money and scraps of food.  Well, at least Jackson will.  We also do Bar Mitzvahs, Commencement Addresses and Border Crossings.  Please hit us up. The secret handshake business is a tough one to crack.

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About julian822

This blog is informal to say the least. It's almost like an online journal, filled with stories that I find funny, interesting things/links and anything else that comes to my mind. Enjoy.
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