Several years ago, I had a fantastic life.  All of my friends loved me, (So you think.) my family was caring, my dog often cuddled with me, (But only if I bribed him with treats. However, I got in trouble because the vet said that he was seriously obese because I gave him too much food.  Therefore, I had to stop and block out his whimpering.  It gave me severe psychological issues.) and best of all, I took medication to make my alter ego unable to speak. (Hey, nice jok-  Damn.)  However, despite living in what one might call a utopian world, there was still something left to be desired.  For several agonizing months, I tried to put a finger on it, but was never successful.  I tried Tai Chi, organic squirrel farming, competitive cheese eating, and sleep, but no matter what, I just couldn’t figure it out. That all changed when I came to my new school.  There, I was encouraged to pursue my interests, make interesting friends, do my work and best of all, I was fed food that was actually edible.  They even had lamb! (You don’t even eat la-  This is so much better than I ever hoped.)  However, the biggest change was in fashion.  I went from being completely ignorant of what I wore to being surrounded by hundreds of fashionable young adults, all wearing perfectly matched clothing with minimal amounts of stains. (Something that could not have been said for me.  Literally, I made up 60% of the sales of major stain removal products.)  When it really clicked was when I met my good friend, Curtis.  Curtis inspired me to have faith and to find religion.  Does it matter that that religion was J. Crew?  Nope, grey area.  You see, at J. Crew, people don’t judge you for wearing unfashionable clothing.  They simply swivel on their custom-made, 1998 vintage leather dock-siders, raise their noses to the sky, and strut away, their sailing shorts gently rippling in the Nantucket breeze.  (I deserve a Pulitzer for that sentence alone.) It is that image of wealth, of pure dominance that I wish to convey upon all that come into my presence.  See, it is not that I think that I am superior to everyone else.  I simply do not have the time or the interest to acknowledge them.  Thank you Curtis for making me preppy.  Perhaps we could go sailing one day.  However, if that ever happens, you have to give me a few days warning.  I need to do my hair and iron my khakis.  You know how crucial that is.


About julian822

This blog is informal to say the least. It's almost like an online journal, filled with stories that I find funny, interesting things/links and anything else that comes to my mind. Enjoy.
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