I am not a baby person. I simply do not find them adorable. People always see a baby and say “Oh, isn’t he/she/heshe super cute! I’d just love to squeeze its cheeks and do other vastly inappropriate things with this defenseless and innocent young infant.” That’s why I don’t like babies. If I’m around them, I have to hear people saying these atrocious comments and whenever I try to fit in and say similar things, people accuse me of being a mentally perverse person. Also, babies cry a ridiculous amount, which leads me to my next point, airplanes, and the fact that people are forced to fly next to screaming babies on them. However, my problem with babies is not the only thing that I hate about flying. You see, I’m not a particularly claustrophobic person and my fear of heights is surprisingly subdued on long flights. Yet, the fears that never fade away on commercial airplanes are vomit and airplane food, two substances remarkably similar to each other and judging by my fortune, most flights include both. This is how a normal flight for me goes:
3:17-Force my parents to turn around and go back to our house so that I can give my PlayStation one final hug goodbye.
3:46-Get stuck in the traffic that we left at 3:05 with the distinct purpose of avoiding.
3:46-4:11-Get yelled at by both of my parents and stare solemnly out of the window, trying to think happy thoughts.
4:12-Think sad thoughts and throw up.
4:23-Arrive at the airport and discover that I managed to throw up into a suitcase. Get yelled at again.
4:27-Put the bags on the weird conveyor belt thing and make the lady there angry at me after trying to slide on it.
4:29-Get in trouble at security because I jokingly accuse them of checking me out in the full-body scanner. TSA agents do not find me funny.
4:31-Go to McDonald’s for a late lunch/early evening snack.
4:33-Throw up my Big Mac in our carry-on suitcase.
5:00-Get weird looks when I ask to go to the cockpit to meet the pilots and receive the “cute little wings that I pin onto my shirt and make me feel like a pilot from Top Gun.”
5:03-At my parents request, get moved to a seat far away from them.
5:05-Cry during takeoff with the baby next to me.
5:06-Throw up on the baby.
5:06-Get throwed up on by the baby.
5:10-Fall asleep with the baby in pool of our vomit and tears.
8:48-Wake up to the scent of airplane food and vomit.
9:00-Eat airplane food and find it surprisingly tasty. Puke anyways.
9:33-Airplane lands. Steal airplane wings from sleeping toddler. Feel no remorse.
9:37-Get slapped by the flight attendant for the mess I made.
9:42-Get banned from American Airlines for life.
*This post was based on a true story, turned into a novel by Julian Gerson and titled: “The Story of Julian Gerson’s Life”