Recently, I’ve been feeling really angry. Maybe I’ve been taking too many steroids, maybe I shouldn’t have gone cold turkey with the meth. I’ll never really know. Anyway, whatever is bothering me has made me persistently furious at the world. One of my many therapists said that it might be therapeutic if I vent in a safe and comfortable environment that will be reassuring to me yet bother no one else. So, I came to the blog, since it gets a maximum of four hits a month and is more private than my diary (Hey Mom.) Ok, here we go. Future me, please don’t judge Present me because I haven’t done any kind of hard drugs in a solid eight hours and I’m in a bad place.
-I hate it when people make references like: “Oh my god, have you had this chicken, it’s so good, its like crack.” Just stop it. First off, crack has little to no taste and if it did, it wouldn’t taste like chicken. Secondly, unless you live in the hood or are simply really trendy and do what the cool kids do, you probably have never sampled crack and would not know the sensation that accompanies it. Third, if that chicken was like crack you would probably eat so much of it that you would be morbidly obese and then you wouldn’t have any friends but your chicken dealer to tell them how good the chicken was. Just don’t compare things to crack. It’s a really debilitating drug and I don’t recommend it unless the new hip thing is being dead.
-When people say: “Oh my god, this chicken smells so bad, here, smell it.” If you do that, you’re annoying and I don’t like you. If something smells bad, i.e. feces, why would you ever make someone else smell it? Considering you’re already traumatized from smelling the hypothetical feces, why would you want to traumatize another person, especially a friend? Finally, the quote above makes no sense because chicken can never smell bad. Ever.
-Small dogs. If I owned one, I would let him/her out into an alley and tell him/her that the world is a bad place and unfortunately for you and Michelle Bachmann, natural selection is a proven theory, so you better evolve soon if you don’t want to end up dead or in Chinatown, which basically means dead because they eat dogs there.
-People who own small dogs and have not yet done what I recommend above.
-People who own scuffed up shoes/dirty clothes. Buy some new ones. If you’re poor steal some new ones.
-Good television shows because I feel pressured to watch them all the time. For example: “Hey man, have you seen the latest episode of Mad Men? Guess what happens? You’ll never believe it. They drank alcohol and were sexist! I know, right? Crazy stuff.” Now I feel like I have to watch Mad Men because it would be hilarious to see Jon Hamm go: “Woman, make me a sandwich. Hey female/burden of my insecurities, remember, extra Hamm.” (Oh, no he didn’t. Oh, yes he did.) Now I have to watch that episode. Because it would just be so funny. Get it, extra Hamm? Like his name? I even make myself laugh sometimes.