This weekend, I took a break from my extremely active social schedule and decided to do something to further my future. No, I didn’t do my homework, read a book, or even discuss philosophical ideas. No, those would only make me a smarter and more sophisticated person. I don’t care about any of that stuff. I just want to be rich. With that goal in mind, I stockpiled all of my spare money that I made begging, selling myself for money, selling other things for money, etc. With three dollars and ninety-seven cents in hand, I left my house, went back to my house to get my shoes, forgot that I had locked the door, gave up, and left for McDonalds. Shoeless. Once I got to the fine establishment that is McDonalds, I was afraid that without shoes, I would seem out-of-place. Then, I remembered where I was. Sixty percent of the people that eat at McDonalds aren’t wearing pants and with my (almost) four dollars, I was like Bill Gates to them. Feeling confident, I went up to the counter and bought a large package of potato fritters. Now, many of you might be questioning my motives, considering how unhealthy the aforementioned fritters are. Well, unless you’ve been living under a rock or undergoing a deep period of mourning, then you ought to know what’s going on at McDonalds right this very instant. As you read this, we are nearing the final week of the McDonalds Monopoly contest. Did you know that you have a one in four chance of winning? I swear, I already won seven prizes and I only spent like fifty dollars. (I had to sell my body a lot more than usual.) So, if anyone wants a free breakfast sandwich, you know where to find it. Right here.
Back when I said I was working on furthering my future, I realize that I might have confused you. How can eating at McDonalds brighten my future other than getting me a spot on the Biggest Loser? Well, you see, there is one chance in 270,000,000 that I win a million dollars. Yeah, you heard that right. Say, why can’t I hear the critics anymore? You don’t know why? Oh. They all went to McDonalds because they just realized how high their chances of winning are.
Remember, if you win, as your McDonalds Monopoly pimp, I get forty-five percent.