I love Thanksgiving because of everything it stands for. When I think of Thanksgiving, I think of a valuable time for people to eat food, fight with their family, watch football, and prepare to stampede a Target employee to death the next morning because he got in the way of their three for one deal on Dora the Explorer backpacks and Jonas Brothers calendars. However, this year, I decided not to stock up on school supplies at 4 AM, two months after school started for two reasons.
1. If I were a car and money were gas, you’d be looking out for the next Mobil station because I’m running really low. Someone needs to give me a high-five for that one.
2. It would violate my probation after… last year.
Anyway, instead of heading out with my carefully organized floor plan of all the stores I wanted to hit up and hundreds of dollars to blow on Blu-ray players and oven mittens, I was forced to actually celebrate Thanksgiving and be thankful. Now, let me tell you this: being thankful is way overrated. I wish that instead of Thanksgiving being called Thanksgiving, it would be called I’mBoredGiveMeTurkeyDay. Then, everyone would be happy. Ok, I guess this came off as a little harsh. Let me tell you why I feel this way.
You see, my family, like almost all others in the world, lives for Thanksgiving. We prepare for weeks, we sing songs about it, we buy tons of presents for each other, there’s even a really fat guy that comes by and tries to touch all of the kids inappropriately! Basically, I’m very emotionally invested in it. So, it was Thanksgiving Eve and I’m super excited. I can barely sleep, but before I know it, its eight in the morning and I’m off! I tumble down the stairs, dislocating my spleen, but nothing can stop me now. I get to the living room, bursting with glee and guess what- there’s no presents or even a tree! (Gerson got rhymes.) I scream at my parents, furious with anger- they even forgot to put baby Jesus in his manger! (Rhyming part two. You know what’s up.) How could they do this, they ruined Thanksgiving- basically, my life is no longer worth liv-
Oh wait, I get it now. I was thinking about Christmas, not Thanksgiving. Yeah, that explains a lot. I wonder if violating a police station or mauling a federal marshal violate my probation. I’m sure not. Phew. After all, I’ve got to get started on my Easter shopping, I only have a month left!