When I go around my life, doing things that I do, I have to consider a few things.
1. While engaging in this activity, do I come off as being mentally ill or “slow”?
2. While engaging in this activity, do I come off as a pretentious doucheweasel?
3. While engaging in this activity, do I come off as a woman/someone without penis-like qualities?
Often, unfortunately, the answer is yes and I am forced to reconsider my behavior. Take last Tuesday for example. On my way home from school, I saw a sign exclaiming that everything at Macy’s was 40% off. Instinctively, I considered flopping around the floor in the throes of joy and excitement, but then I realized that I would look epileptic, so that wasn’t okay. Next, I considered leaning over to the person next to me and discussing what this sale had to say about America’s enormous addiction to consumerism and how if we had only followed the teachings of the great Friedrich Engels, we’d be out of this dilemma, but no, because then I would look like an obnoxious person that clearly has read everything in his/her history textbook. Finally, I pondered calling up all my girlfriends and planning an excursion, but I ultimately decided against it because last time I checked, I wasn’t a female and I have far too many mini-skirts.
This internal thought process struck a nerve with me. I can understand why guys don’t want to appear mentally disabled or socially disabled, but why can’t we just embrace our feminine side every once in a while and let loose? I mean, girls are awesome. They can play volleyball without getting teased, if they like video games that makes them awesome, not lame, and finally, they get to sit down when they pee! Standing up to pee sucks. It’s just annoying, you have to- Never mind, back to the business at hand. What I’m trying to say is that there is an unnecessary amount of attention paid to how manly guys are and it doesn’t even make sense.
Look, this post isn’t me trying to defend my manliness. Please. I’m as manly as they get. Indiana Jones called me to learn how to use a whip. I taught Steve McQueen how to drive. Rambo flinches in fear whenever he see me. Katy Perry wrote California Girls about me and my girlfriends. The point is, as someone who once gave Hulk Hogan facial hair tips, I just think that guys are forced into being like me, when maybe, just maybe, all they wanted to do was see Adele in concert, not Bruce Springsteen. Perhaps some of us would rather see the latest Jennifer Aniston rom-com over Transformers 43: Michael Bay Makes Everything Explode-Again. Sometimes it can get a little overwhelming, this whole being a man thing. ALL I WANT IS THE NEW CHANEL PURSE, WHY CAN’T EVERYONE UNDERSTAND THAT??!!