What follows is an online question-answering thing I did, where my fans would submit questions and I would answer them. I was really excited, because I saw Selena Gomez doing this once and if I could be one-third of the (wo)man that Selena is, I’d be the happiest prince(ess) in the world. Unfortunately, only one person actually asked me questions, but I think that it worked out pretty well. Here is the entire transcript of my “discussion” with conFEDerateLUVR1863@alabamaracists.org. Only one of us actually knew how to properly use the English language.
Fan: do u have any hobbees? i like brrning books and listening to celine Dion
Me: Ah, Celine, love her. By the way, is it just me, or has her stuff totally dipped in quality over the last five years? Man, such high hopes. Anyway, I love music. In fact, I’m a musician, myself!
Fan: for realz??? I play the banjo and YES to Celine! my gawd, that’s one hot mess if I dun ever seen one :$ u play an instrument like the guitar maybe 😀
Me: No, I don’t play the guitar, the drums, the 14th century Persian mahogany Mandolin, or any instrument for that matter, but I still make sweet, beautiful music.
Fan: well how you gone and dun that? through yur fancy words and stuff?
Me: You mean my talent at spinning illustrious vocabulary into a harmonious melody with gorgeous prose? Nah, it isn’t my writing.
Fan: fellow caucasian man, you got me more lost than an
Indian (Native American) off thems reservation. maybes it be when you playing athlettics? like beisball or hocqey?
Me: Not even close. Although I am quite intense while engaging in a fierce game of squash and I do sweat majestically during a turbulent game of backgammon, that’s not how I make music.
Fan: ight yo, i got one final idear. maybe it be when you be out with a lady, showing her the goods, you know wut i saying :> den you take her bak to your trailur, put on some Lynard Skynard, dats when the music happens. uh huh. i gots it
Me: Unfortunately, you didn’t get it and for your information, when I take a girl back to my apartment, not trailer, I like to play some of Nick Jonas’s earlier stuff, you know, to set the mood. Lynard Skynard is too intense for me.
Fan: ey bro, i give up. throw Cletus from Kentucky a bone
Me: Ok, my hillbilly friend. I make music when… I’m sleeping. I’ve been told that my snores form a symphony that rivals many of Beethoven’s best works.
Fan: man, dat be a bigger letdown than wen me and de rest of de boys in the KKK went up to Detroit to find that little–
You logged out at 9:42 PM. Good choice.