Today, my Argentinian exchange student, Gonzalo, landed in New York and having spent the morning with him, we got to talking about our cultures. Turns out, America is totally different from Argentina. This made me think about what qualities of America I like the most and which ones I enjoy the least. So, I wrote them all down in a Pro/Con list, which I’ve heard is an open-minded and edgy thing to do.
-The majority of our citizens are in tip-top shape and could easily run continuously over long distances if need be.
-We invented and make the best pizza in the world.
-Our cars are famously reliable and obliterate all competition, especially from the mediocre Germans and inexperienced Japanese.
-We have made it a point of pride to never consider an American citizen as better than another. In essence, all Americans have been considered equal and treated with respect and dignity since the nation’s conception in 1492.
-We never involve ourselves in the affairs of other nations.
-Americans have amongst the lowest dependency on gasoline in the world.
-While I have never been fortunate enough to consume it, supposedly American beer is of the utmost quality, our “lite” beers known throughout the world for their deep, textured taste and fine craftsmanship that accompany each bottle.
-Our highways and other public works are expertly maintained and have little to no structural flaws.
-Our politicians make every effort to be honest and to honor their constituents wishes.
-We don’t eat enough meat.
-There aren’t enough republicans.
-Too many Americans have an aversion to hunting and an inclination to protecting the environment, an issue that has led to rapid re-forestation and disastrous booms in animal life and nature.
-We need more Denny’s.
-Red Lobster is too expensive.
-There aren’t enough television shows like Jersey Shore.
-There are too many foreigners and they make the lines at Arby’s too long.
Finally, the worst offense of them all.
-Our president wasn’t actually born in our country and his foreign nature has made him extremely confrontational and close-minded. Gosh, how did he even get on the ballot? Everyone knows that Hawaii belongs to the Chinese!