There are many things that excite me in life; sports, girls, the interesting things I get to learn in my wide variety of academic classes. Yet, there is one thing, one thing more exciting than everything else. That thing is… catching up with/running into old friends! You see, when I was young, I was really cool. My Pokemon skills were top-notch, I was ripped, I was the coolest kid around. That was my prime. On my grave, I want it to be inscribed: Here Lies Julian Gerson, Possessor of Great Amounts of Swag and Arguably the Chillest Third Grader Known to Man. We Shall Forever Miss Him and His Sexy Humor.
Unfortunately for me and all of my mentees, this all changed in the seventh grade. When I changed schools for ninth grade, I had no friends, was morbidly obese, and spent all my afternoons obsessing over Neopets. (None of those things were true, I was just looking for some pity. However, I was quite adept at Club Penguin. Level 100 penguin up in here.) Then, at my new school, I reinvented myself. I had friends again and was cool. All was going well. Then, I started running into people.
If I met a third grade friend, all was fine, I was still cool, nothing had changed. We’d catch up, chat for a minute or two and say goodbye. Everything was good. If I met a sixth grade friend, we’d share a laugh or two, make fun of each other for a couple of minutes, then say goodbye. Again, everything went fine. But when I met an eighth grade friend, it would be consistently horrible. Here, see for yourself. I’ll use a conversation I had with a former friend, who for privacy, will have their name changed to Ben Dover. Ha.
Ben Dover: Hey, man, do you know how to get to this place from this place?
Julian: Sure, let me show- gee whiz! Ben, my dude, don’t you remember me? It’s Julian!
BD: No, that can’t be Julian.
J: Sure it is.
BD: But you were so horrible! Everyone at school hated you with a passion that burned deep within our hearts. I’d never met someone so antagonistic, pandering, obnoxious, and pretentious! But now, here you are, normal and polite, like a regular person. Also, you have literally lost a rhinoceros worth of weight! I refuse to believe that you are Julian.
Then, with that, he storms off, leaving me standing there, shocked. I start weeping silently to myself and strangers stop to stare at this pitiful guy standing in the middle of the street openly crying. This happens quite frequently. Listen. All I ask for is some kindness. Instead of slowly tearing away all of my self-esteem, just lie to me. Tell me I was great, tell me I was worth something. Please.
Also, add me on Club Penguin.