I’m a big athlete. I hold the New York state record for fastest marathon run backwards, (eighteen days- I somehow got lost in Delaware) farthest shot ever put (shot-put), and the most graceful triple axle reverse manatee upside down and all around spaghetti Bolognese flip (figure skating, it’s the hardest trick ever done). That said, all of these achievements pale in comparison to my tennis skills. Here’s four reasons that explain how good I am at tennis:
1. One time, Andy Roddick was supposed to play me in a match but got so scared of my serve that he agreed to loan me Brooklyn Decker on the condition that I would allow him to get one point.
2. The U.S. open has been renamed the Julian Gerson open.
3. I played first singles on my high school varsity team. While in the womb.
4. The only thing that makes Mitt Romney seem animated is when he’s watching me play.
No, no, I kid. I mean, I’m pretty good at tennis, but I’m not that good. I only play on JV tennis and I play doubles there, so I guess it’s as low as you can go, playing wise. That said, whenever I go out there, I give it my all. I put on my vintage headband, stretch out my hamstrings and my lower abdominal muscles, and play like I’m Bjorn Borg in the prime of my career. I have a great time and lately I’ve actually been winning a fair amount. You see, I had been stuck with this really crappy doubles partner, Ben, and he was totally holding me back. There were a lot of problems with Ben’s game. For one, he double faulted all the time. Also, he would crack jokes non-stop and sing songs in high-pitched voices but the problem was that his singing broke windows and he was never funny. God, I hated him so much. (I’d just like to throw something in here. Ben is actually one of the funniest kids I know and he is actually a really gifted singer. I respect him as a man and a tennis player. Also, I’m the one who double faults all the time, not him. Inside tennis joke.) But now he has a new partner, another kid named Ben who’s just as lame. Ben #2 wears striped shirts all the time, goes clubbing with seniors, and even beats me up when he’s bored. (Ben #2 is really cute. I think he’s cute. He’s lots of fun and a great player. Also, he’s super cute.) The funny thing is that both Bens are freshmen and sometimes when they’re bored or just going through the early stages of puberty, they come out of nowhere and attack me. It really hurts and it isn’t fun for anyone. I hate the tennis team. I don’t know why I do it. When I come home every day, I just start crying. Do you know how many pints of ice cream I eat in a week? I single-handedly produce 2/3 of Ben and Jerry’s revenue. I need to quit the team. Maybe not though. I hear the coach is really cool.