Listen, I know it’s kind of cliché to like food. I mean, everyone eats it so it isn’t like being a fan of food is super underground or hipster right now. Let’s use bread as an example. After all, bread is delicious, but if I go on my tumblr account (totally have one) and post an instagram picture of me eating bread, people aren’t going to be all like “oh wow, look at this kid eating bread, he’s really making me reconsider everything I value and all my priorities.” No, they’ll be like “OK, that looks like a pretty tasty slice of whole wheat, possibly 9 grain oat bread, the crust looks nice and firm and I appreciate that he values the importance of less unhealthy forms of bread. That said, I don’t really give a shit.” Face it, normal food just doesn’t make you cool anymore. Bread, pizza, donuts, even tacos, long gone. But you know what does make you cool? Chocolate goo mixed with some hazelnuts and sprinkled with AWESOMENESS. Oh man, I wished that existed. Oh wait… it does.
Yeah, this thing is called Nutella and it’s the greatest thing since PB&J and Kidz Bop 17. It’s chocolatey, gooey, and just all around fucking fantastic. That said, it hasn’t helped my physique too much. I ate so much Nutella, I used to have a Nutella dealer. I called him Dream-come-truer because he made my dreams come true when he gave me Nutella. Trust me, Nutella is that good. Get up right now, leave your home and pick up a jar of this shit. If I could succeed in just getting one person, only one, to experience Nutella for the first time, my job here would be done. And by here, I mean in life.