My last post was about the tennis team I played on at school. It was an all right post, but nothing I’m ever going to put in a portfolio or feature in my acclaimed collection of short stories and humor writings, coming out November 2049. That said, it got me thinking about tennis and how the sport has been with me throughout my entire life. After all, I can’t remember life without tennis. Accordingly, I thought it might be interesting to go back through some photo albums and use those memories to make a timeline that displays the various ways tennis has stayed with me and formed me into the person I am today. Here it is, arranged by date/time period.
Supposedly, and this only comes from journal articles written by flabbergasted doctors, initial ultrasounds revealed me in my mother’s stomach accompanied by a tennis racket and two U.S. Open official balls. Laugh all you want, this was not a dirty joke. In retrospect though, interpret it as you will.
My first words were: “Yeah, Steffi Graf is smoking hot. And that forehand? That’s some killer stuff right there.” This is an established fact and I am not making up such a ridiculous quote because I want people to laugh at this post.
Toddlerhood/When I waddled everywhere (1998-2000)
As a three-year old, I devised an ingenious transportation plan that allowed my to slide around the house on a bed of tennis balls while sitting on my racket. This system existed for about four minutes until someone with any understanding of safety/responsibility showed up.
Small Child/At the peak of my cuteness (2001-2003)
A hobby of mine was to take my racket and hide under tables and behind chairs. When unsuspecting adults would pass by, I would leap out from cover and stealthily hit them as hard as I could in the shins, yelling obscenities and names of various Pokemon. This greatly affected my “shows respect to adults” grade on my school report.
I start playing at tennis camps, slowly cultivating my skills. This was also when I developed an intense, probably unhealthy obsession with the Presidents of the United States. I could answer any question about any president on command. Yes, even Rutherford B. Hayes. Yes, that is an actual president.
This was when I really flourished as a player. By that, I mean that I hit a ball over the net for the first time. It was pretty great.
I played on the school tennis team and against all expectations received no awards for my efforts or mediocre 4-6 win-loss record. I suspect a school-run conspiracy or the fact that I just really suck at tennis.
The Future (End of May 2012-Until I Die, probably while fighting tigers and rescuing babies)
I continue playing tennis, improbably rising up the rankings until I find myself the defending champion of the French Open. My tennis career quickly collapses due to a blackmailing incident involving the First Lady and the Vice-President of Ikea. I retire, hopefully happily, and die a satisfying, manly death involving tigers, as mentioned above.