I love Thanksgiving but I’m not exactly sure why. On paper, Thanksgiving is a miserable, horrible, disaster of a day. You eat pounds and pounds and pounds of rich, fatty food that makes you miserable for the next few hours. More often than not, everyone there gets quite inebriated and as you’re too young to drink, you just have to sit there and watch everyone getting sloppier by the second. In addition, there’s usually some kind of fight going on and with it, a ton of tension that no one can ignore. Finally, you have to clean a lot. However, I really do enjoy Thanksgiving, so I’m going to make counter-arguments to each of the above points. Think of it like a little joust of the mind or a debate. It’s pretty much just me talking to myself.
1. Surprise-you’re suddenly obese!
I think that anyone who has a problem with Thanksgiving food needs to sit down and just think about their life. Saying you don’t like Thanksgiving food is like saying that Daniel Day-Lewis is just an “ok” actor or that James Bond is “cool, I guess.” You’re wrong and the sooner you realize that, the sooner your life will gain back a slight amount of meaning. Everything about Thanksgiving is delicious. Let’s make a list.
Turkey– I wrote a haiku about this fine bird.
Everyone eats it
Only dumb people abstain
Abstaining is dumb
Mashed Potatoes– It’s potatoes with butter that if you wanted to, you could eat with a straw. Try and poke a hole in that logic.
Cranberries and other purple stuff– They provide the slightly sweet, slightly bitter contrast to a rich and hearty meal. And they’re purple.
Pie– It’s pie. That’s all that needs to be said.
Gravy– Essentially, liquid fat and grease. I think it should be eaten on everything, but apparently, doctors and people that know what the word cholesterol means disagree. Their loss.
Stuffing– It’s bread and sausage and cheese and other incredible stuff. If you don’t like stuffing then there’s no more hope for you.
2. Everyone’s suddenly dehydrated and can only hydrate with bourbon and cocktails.
This is actually kind of funny to watch. When the night starts, people are just kind of mellow and enjoying the company of others. Sometimes, they might have a glass of wine in one hand but at this point, it’s still pretty classy. However, as the night progresses, these people change in front of your very eyes. It’s actually a really interesting transformation to witness and often, you can’t help but laugh at the things drunk people do. It can be scary, but watching middle-aged people stumble about and talk to walls is something that should be enjoyed with a thing of popcorn and sense of deep satisfaction.
3. It feels like an episode of Jerry Springer.
I love watching people fight but most of the time it’s only on TV. Just think of Thanksgiving as a pay-per-view event that’s free and will take place at the table, possibly in the kitchen, maybe in the living room, and definitely outside. It’s loads of fun and it gives you an opportunity to make some casual bets with other spectators.
4. Everything in the kitchen is dirty. Everything.
This is true and it sucks. Nothing is clean. Whatever. Thanksgiving is still the best.