I’m an indecisive person at heart. I can’t help it, it’s just my nature. Indecision limits me but I’ve been told to value every part of myself because I’m a special flower so I just accept it and move on. That said, it hasn’t made my life any easier. If I had a thousand pesos for each of the times I’ve pissed someone off while ordering at a restaurant because of my inability to choose a dish, I’d probably have enough money to convert it into a dollar. The average time it takes for me to choose what movie I want to watch on demand would be enough to finish an entire night’s worth of history reading (if you went to my school you would understand how utterly ludicrous such a statement is). This isn’t a problem though. Deciding between the meatloaf and the Caesar salad is a deep, morally significant question that weighs heavily on my future. I could not care less if it takes me ten minutes to decide and my waiter ends up spitting in whatever I’ve ordered. What bothers me is that most of the time, I actually want to decide things quickly. Everyone gets upset with me because they think that I enjoy spending an hour debating with myself whether or not a sixty degree day is deserving of a sweater or if I can just T-shirt it. In fact, I don’t enjoy it whatsoever. If I was given the option of having someone come make all my decisions for me, I definitely would but I’d have to argue about it with myself for a little while first. Think of how nice that would be! Someone would be there whenever I needed them and if I was struggling with something, I could just ask them. Here are a few examples where this magical decision-maker (we’ll call him Doug because it sounds mundane) would come in handy.
Julian: Doug, what kind of jam should I put on my toast?
Doug: No jam. You do not need toast. Go for a run.
Julian: Doug, should I meet with this teacher when I go visit this college?
Doug: No. You will not be accepted at that college. Do not waste your time. Go for a run.
Julian: Doug, should I text this girl back?
Doug: Yes. She will clearly fall for you because of your charming wit and rugged physique. By that, I mean no. Go for a run.
I have really high hopes for this whole Doug thing! Not only will it save me time, Doug’s increasingly cruel retorts to my questions will only get me into better shape and allow me to develop increasingly crippling self-esteem problems. This is what I’ve been looking for my whole life. Even when I’m an adult, serving as either a pilot in the United States Air Force or a CIA agent, Doug will help me make the tough decisions.
(Major) Julian: Doug, we are flying over North Korean airspace. Should I proceed with the mission or turn back?
Doug: How you became qualified to fly fighter jets, I cannot say. For the future of our country, I would recommend turning back but my life is lonely and filled with constant disappointment and boredom. Continue I suppose. If by some miracle you survive, go for a run.
Julian: Doug, I’ve cornered this terrorist in an alley in Tehran, yet he claims that he’s not the man who I should be after. What should I do with him?
Doug: Spare his life. Kill him. I do not care any longer. Go on a run.