I haven’t posted in a little bit. That’s a bit of an understatement. Last time I blogged, cigarettes were still considered part of a healthy lifestyle. I’m sorry; I know it’s been a while. I tried to blog more often but you know, there was stuff. However, I’m sick of having to start my posts with sentences apologizing for having not written for so long. I hate redundancy but most of all, I hate having to apologize. Seriously, who likes saying they’re sorry? People have weird fetishes like abuse or feet but I’ve yet to hear of someone who gets turned on by being forced to express a heartfelt statement of regret over their errors. Thus, to avoid having to apologize for my shortcomings, I’ve resolved to post at least once a week this summer. That way, no one will ever ask me “you still have a blog?” or “ I thought that was just an online diary you wrote in once a year when you felt you couldn’t repress any more emotions.” This blog is back like Star Wars and J. Crew. In fact, I’d say this is just the beginning of a new era. To use an expression I coined while once skiing through prime untouched powder (the way I described it makes it sound way sexier than it actually was. The “untouched powder” was under the chairlift), I’m Lewis and Clark’ing it. In short, this is a new blog. I’d rename it as well but I pay like $17 a year for the domain and seriously, how lucky was I to get www.attemptedhumor.com? Pretty lucky, I’d say.
I’m sure that as many of you read this half-assed motivational speech that I’ll surely forget/ignore to embrace, you’re wondering what I could have been doing that interfered with me writing a new post every once in a while. Well, I’ll tell you.
-I didn’t get much sleep. My parents say that I should get more sleep and my grandmother ripped an article out of the Times that said teenagers need extra sleep, so I guess everyone’s united on that front. Well, guess what? I didn’t read the article, Bubbe. I said I was going to but then I forgot and I left it in the hotel and the housekeeper threw it out, so there you have it. If you email it to me, I’ll probably tell you I read it but I still won’t.
-I got FIFA 13 and spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to make a soccer team composed only of old Russian players past their prime. I named the team the Soldviet Union. We average two own goals a match.
-I tried to take up sun bathing but I have the skin of an Irishman and roof access in my building isn’t exactly allowed.
-I released a mix tape filled with jazz, amateur stand-up, and Tupac covers. I then found out how difficult it is to un-release something.
-I tripped on a pair of stairs once. It was okay because there were only old people so there was no one I was scared would laugh at me and the elderly could empathize.
-I tried to convince my parents to let me buy pills to help me bulk up. They said no and I tried to challenge them but I was too weak. It’s a vicious cycle.
-I watched a documentary on One Direction because, I swear to you, it was the only thing on TV. I saw the whole thing and had to take a shower right after because I just wasn’t sure how I felt about myself and I needed to be clean.
-I thought about blogging but nahhhhhhh. Hey, I’m back though! Everything’s ok now. Hopefully people still read this thing.